I Won’t Commit to You

This is one of the newest realizations I’ve had about myself and it’s a really damn important one.

I’ve been trying to date boys* time and time again, but the relationships always blow up in my face. In each one, we both held responsibility in the moments leading up to the blow up and it was clear to me that, at least I thought, he didn’t want to commit. I’m ready, I thought. Physically, I’m only 22 years old and have more evolving to do, but I thought, we can grow together and, really, there is nothing wrong with that—if I were ready to commit.

I’ve dated a few guys within those string of boys. The boys break up with me and I break up with the guys. What is this telling me about myself? I had to take a deep look inside (and interpret some dreams) in order to figure this mystery out.

All around me, friends are getting married and having babies. While my friends do range in age, the majority of them are in their twenties. In the midst of all this change, I’m finishing up college and am still discovering what I want to make of my life. In the midst of all this change, I felt left behind. It felt like everyone else had it right and, somehow, I had it wrong. I mean, I’m a pretty awesome individual, so why haven’t I found my life human yet?

All these questions and my own self-doubt were taking a serious toll on my level of happiness. While my logical thoughts knew I’m just as special as those getting married/starting families, my over-thinking tendencies made me feel very small, like I would never get it right. I know how wrong this idea is now, but only after I quieted my mind in order to hear—and acknowledge—my spirit.

My mind was shouting loudly at me, “Why don’t you have what they have? You should have everything by now! You’re doing something wrong.” My spirit was whispering quietly, “Don’t stress out about it, Cara. You have a path and that’s not it. You’re suffering over nothing.”

If I trace this back to my days in junior high and high school, I always had feelings of inadequacy. I did whatever my friends did because, to put it bluntly, I wanted to be accepted. I wasn’t doing this consciously at the time and it doesn’t make the friends I grew up with bad people—a lot of them are growing up to be great people—but nonetheless, it is the truth. I’ve always been a little out there, which is a big no-no when you’re growing up; I had to find a way to fit in. This self-doubt was born in my childhood and is following me into my adulthood—until now.

Back to the present: I’m breaking up with guys that are willing to commit, while I’m attracted to boys who are unable to commit. What does this mean? On the most basic level, I’m attracting people who are just like me! In other words, I’m sending the energy that I’m receiving. I always knew this was a universal law, but it was always hard to apply to romantic relationships. So, what pushed me to my light? It was my most recent break up.

That was a tough one for me, but I did sense the end coming; he just said it first. I was heartbroken, but I knew I’d be okay; it’s just that initial period that sucks. After I was standing again, I realized that it was a positive that the romantic part of our relationship ended. (We’re better as friends, anyways.) I began to do things that make me happy, on my own time, and without the pressure of tending to a relationship. It felt great. This initiated a chain reaction. I started to uncover my academic path, or really, fine-tune what I already knew I wanted. I did more research and one thing led to another and I saw that my options are endless. The future is all mine and I can do whatever I want with it. And there’s so much I want to do.

I do want to be a wife. I do want to share a sacred and unbreakable place of love with another human, but it’s just not time yet—at least for me; that’s not my story. I was so busy caught up in the lives of others, wishing I could find what they found, but in reality, I already have exactly what I need. It’s not in my cards to find a human, marry him, and start a family—at least in this moment. That’s why all my relationships were blowing up. I was trying to force something that was never supposed to be. Instead, I need to follow my spirit, my light, whatever it is that will drive me forward to grow into my genuine, authentic self. And only then will everything begin to fall into my lap.

👽 Stay weird and do you, my friends.


* I’m not using the term “boys” to insult anyone, but am using it to add a distinction between the two types of relationships I’ve experienced—where “boys” aren’t ready to commit and “guys” are.

 

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